is not.

After five months of stress, of writing essays and rewriting essays, of horrible advisers and hours spent crying, of mania, of snapping at friends, of nail-biting and bad night's sleep, of  "no, I can't, I have to work on my scholarship application," it has all come down to this day.

Twenty one days ago, I sent my work off into a sea of uncertainty and doubt, hoping it would wash ashore and get picked up as someone shouted "EUREKA! This is it!" But it came floating back to me. Back from whence it came.

Who has two thumbs and no longer has a chance at $30,000?
THIS GIRL.


Claire is no longer in the running towards becoming America's Next Truman Scholar.

this is why my head hurts.

What do I do when I have 30ish hours to finish my application?

Address problems, review notes from the interview with my committee.
Look at adviser's notes.

Too scary.

...not so scary, they said all of this yesterday.

I can do this. All I have to do is start writing! 5 more days!

Open my application Word document. TrumanappJan13.doc...

Facebook. I already read this status. Bored.

Write half a sentence-

Facebook. what am I doing here? CONCENTRATE.

anxiety!!! I have about a day to get this all done!

Write a full sentence. This is going well! I can totally do this, I-

Facebook. maybe I should disconnect from the internet. But what if I need to get more research? OK, bad idea.

half a senten-

Gmail. OH NO. Email from adviser. Email demanding rapid completion of a specific question. She has to send it to the person who is writing my rec letter. Quick. I need to head him off and let him know I may have exaggerated things to make myself sound better. And more in charge. But they TOLD me to! Oh, he probably understands, maybe I don't need to forewarn him about-

OH YEAH I am supposed to be writing and revising! Shit. Back to that. Four words and....

this would be a good time to blog about this...

winter winds

Tomorrow is my (first) interview for my scholarship.

I may find out that my desired occupation/plans of the future do not make me a good candidate, and thus won't be endorsed by the school, or I bomb the interview/application and I don't get endorsed from the school. Oh, yeah, and the third option: I get the committee's approval, toil away all week and weekend finishing the application, and turn it all in on February 1st.
Any way this goes, it is going to be a doozie of a week.

My plan for tomorrow is to go to my classes, eat lunch, and RELAX, rather than study useless facts and get myself in a tizzy.

Meanwhile, Mumford and Sons.

I am so all about these guys right now.

shark farts!

I am about to blerg all over this blog.

But first I need a Coke because I am getting a caffeine-withdrawal headache.

So I am finally in the final stages of finally being final with my final draft of the scholarship application. Finally.

I have the body filled out (ex:  list your awards and scholarships in order of significance. answer: voted Cougar Call Center Puzzle Master 2010) and I have all my essays finished. They just need...lots of touch ups. And a new paint job. Maybe some body work. It'll get there.
It is all officially due on February 1, only 12 days away. And then I promise I will stop talking about it.

During this whole process I have had so many weeks where I've said "as long as I can get through _____ I'll be OK" like "I just need to get through Wednesday and I'm scott free." Sometimes I don't even make plans for the day after that because I can not see that far into the future. Seriously. Well, I am saying it again. As long as I can get through Tuesday, I'll be fine.
Lemme splain.

This weekend will be fine, but Monday and Tuesday bear the mark of the beast.
Monday: first Conditioning and Learning quiz- a class I still haven't received my book for.
Then, immediately after my Happiness class (ironically [well, Alanis Morissette ironic]) I get to make up the Spanish final that I missed for the funeral. Three hours. of Spanish. that I haven't seen in two months.

Tuesday: First Spanish quiz. With maps.
Two papers due for Learning Disabilities.

and oh yeahs this other little thing I might get around to called my TRUMAN SCHOLARSHIP INTERVIEW. Gonna be grilled on NCLB and ESEA and what was in the NYT this morning and how many pages were in Psychology Today three months ago and would I die for my country and if I had to pick which Supreme Court justice would I invite to my birthday and what's a henweigh and how many licks does it really take to get to the center of a tootsie pop and what is the exact national debt at this moment... and anything else I might be expected to know as a person of the world that I defintiely don't know.

I thought it would be easy. Interviewers ask questions about you, and I like to talk about myself. A match made by Patti herself.  But alas, it is a bit more complicated and I may need a pint or two of ice cream afterward. But all I have to do is get through the interview and then I am scott free. Right?

welcome back, beeches

I got my hair cut! And I have bangs. I look so cute I feel like I need to buy new clothes. And floss more. And stop drinking soda. Or something.

Meanwhile, outside of Hair Land: I received an email from the Dragon Lady telling me that my final draft of the scholarship application is due to her by Thursday. Which is so so close.
I may cry.

I am getting all the online scholarship filled out and if I take too long listing my accomplishments on one page, it cuts me off and doesn't save any of my stuff. mreeehhhh.


I don't know if I can do thissssss.



ALSO: this weird banging/clanking noise kept waking me up last night. I am told that the heat is turning on, but honestly it sounds like squirrels are stuck in there playing croquet.

As long as they don't burrow through the walls, I'll be fine.

squeeeek

It is 47 degrees outside.

OK, so this week is hell week.I can;t wait for it to be over so that I can start taking finals! Never thought I would say that. I have spent the past several nights in the library until late o'clock (I finally took advantage of the library being open 24/7- which means after 2- last night. I am both very proud and very tired.) and I have learned a few things:

when it is the same level of pitch darkness outside from 5PM to 5AM, it is difficult to fully comprehend how late it is, but there are a few ways to tell it is way too late to be up studying (if I were up late doing fun things, it would never be "too late." puh. I'm a disco night owl.):

• no one is out on the street when I come back from the library. It kinda feels like a zombie movie: nearly everyone is gone, hidden away somewhere, and the people on the streets are dangerous and have a glazed look in their eyes (these are just the student smokers sitting outside the library). 
• the night watchman is at the desk instead of a student. They are nice guys, usually. But come on, there is a reason they work at night.
• I am ravenously hungry but too lazy to do anything about it. I need more snacks.
• I might microwave an empty cup. Or forget my keys again. These are both signs that tell me it's finals week. 

On the bright side, I feel much more capable as a writer! After finishing a 7 page paper for Spanish IN SPANISH, everything I write in English comes much easier. It's like a faucet has been opened and all my words just come flowing out. Yesterday it was more like trying to get that last bit off shampoo to come out of the bottle. It feels wasteful to throw the bottle away with that last half inch in there but it just will NOT come out without serious acrobatics that should not be done on a wet slippery surface or some seriously funny noises echoing around the bathroom.

Anyway. Finals next week. Looking like a cake walk compared to this.
Cue lightening bolt.

what? like it's hard?

I am in the process of applying for a pretty important scholarship. It's a nationally competitive award, and every time I remind myself of this, I mentally crunch the numbers and immediately get discouraged. I've barely wet my feet in this ordeal and I am already planning escape routes. Is it too late to back out? Can't I just apply to a bunch of other little scholarships? I really don't have what they want for this thing. Why waste the energy worrying over it?

Today, I took a shower in the middle of the day. Partly because I was gross (we had our Call Center supervisor meeting outside today, and let me tell you, late October does not translate to cool - or even comfortable- weather) but also because I just needed to think without being tempted to fade into homework or surf the web. And I came to what I like to think of as an "Elle Woods revelation."

Instead of finding another excuse not to do something just because it might stress me out, or because I might not get the money, I'm going to do it to prove that I am a powerful woman and I'm not going to be controlled by anxiety.

In order for this to work, I have developed some guidelines for my success; things that will give me peace of mind while allowing me to accomplish this task with minimal emotional disturbance:

• I aim to complete the nearest approximation of every requirement. What is (or what was) really keeping me down is thinking that I am not the perfect candidate for this award. If it asks for three recommendations and I have two great letters lined up but one so-so, I will not worry about it. I will fill out the application to the best of my ability and allow the committees to sort it out from there. 
• I will make a daily list of accomplishments, not just for progress on the scholarship, but for my day in general.  I came out of my initial meeting with my adviser feeling like I don't do enough, like I don't do enough volunteer work, or have enough "true" leadership roles, or that most of the stuff I do do isn't important. To combat this, I have already started my daily affirmations AND I made a list of the activities I take part in just for this year and it is several pages long. I feel better already.

I have also decided to take things step by step. To-do lists aren't going to work for this. A daily reminder of ALL the things that need to get done only serves to compound my stress. It's like instead of the header reading "To-Do" it says "Here is a list of things you should feel bad for not doing right. now."

1. Step One: remind myself why I am awesome, why I deserve this scholarship, and why I should absolutely never feel like I don't do enough. (updated resume, made a list of activities, organizations, leadership roles, and relevant work experiences- check)
2. Step Two: Set realistic, non-demanding goals that may be implemented one step at a time.
3. Step Three: read example responses to see what they are looking for/what works.
4. Step Four: ...haven't gotten this far. Just thinking a step or two ahead. Like a carpenter. Who builds stairs. 

In the meantime, I will also be reading the NYT. Today I learned about a rapping video of an Obama impersonator, so I'm gonna go check that out. Peace.