belly full of turkey

I can see the end, and it is near. But not in a depressing way, not at all.

Two weeks left until winter break. I have planned out every hour of the next 16 days. I have color coded my schedule, and made sure I included breaks for eating. This order is soothing and has made me realize that I can do all the things I need to, because I clearly have the time to do them. Ahhhhh. Like a glass of iced tea on a hot day.

Thanksgiving was amusing, like any other extended time with my extended family.  Topics at dinner included "is it poop or chocolate?", grandparents' newly purchased burial plots, Streetwalker BarbieTM, my aunt's drug habits in high school (she swears she just held other people's "stuff"), coozie in purse + key chain bottle opener = heavy drinkin college student (not true), and "so... Taxes."

I also got to catch up on Mythbusters, start knitting again, and marvel at my little brother's ability to grow a whole effing beard.

Some things will not soon be forgotten.

the NESP wasp

I am freaking out. Just a bit.

Tomorrow is D-Day. It should be happy and exciting, because I really only have two classes standing between me and Thanksgiving, but actually- OH WAIT there is another HUGE thing standing in the way, and that is this damned scholarship.

I have a meeting with my adviser for the NESP (Nastily Exhausting Scholarship Process) tomorrow at 12:30, right before I am allowed to leave for break. It's like seeing a lovely cake on the kitchen table and running toward it in excitement only to find a gigantic deadly wasp sitting in front of it, so that you are so freaked out about the wasp and how to maneuver yourself around it that you forget the cake is even there until the wasp decides to fly away by itself. Tomorrow is kinda like that.

I have a few more essays to write and I have convinced myself that everything I can get on paper (or a word document) is progress. Except it's NOT. Everything I have written is bullshit and that wasp is going to tear me down until all I am is a small weeping child.

Maybe I should have used pie as an example. It's more appropriate for the season.

you didn't have a name before, so now it's gonna be Poopface McAwfultiming

I need an update, and what better timing than the morning I am supposed to be at the middle school doing my independent study.

Why am I not there, you ask?

Well, because some stupid alarm clock had his time changed this weekend and has been finicky ever since. I checked my alarm before I went to sleep, like I always do. It was set for 7:30 so I would have plenty of time to get dressed and mentally prepared for talking to kids about popularity vs true friendship.

Somehow I always wake up before my alarm. This is nice because I look over at my clock, often with a mild sense of panic expecting to find that I have overslept (usually unfounded), and go back to sleep for 14 or 47 minutes. So this morning, when I woke up at 8:34, I assumed the same thing was happening. I blearily looked around the room, peeked my head over the covers and calmly checked the time, ready to plop my head back on my pillow and return to peaceful sleep.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. I overslept. I overslept on middle school day. I made my professor wait in the parking lot of my dorm for who knows how long!

Quickly, I checked my phone to see if she had called me, expecting to see "7 missed calls- check log?"  But I didn't. There was nothing. I got on my email and found her phone number, called her, and spent the next few minutes on the phone with her pacing around my living room- just like they do in the movies. I didn't think that was something people actually did, but I did it this morning. And because she is a great person, she told me it wasn't a big deal and she had called the school and told them there was a miscommunication and that I was probably sick.

Well, I certainly feel sick now.

Anyway. What's done is done and there is nothing I can do now. Even though I still feel crummy about it.

In other news:

• my second meeting about the scholarship went much better. I was prepared, in control, confident, and ready for criticism and/or deeply probing questions I didn't know the answer to.
• I started watching Dexter. This is a problem.
• I am participating in an academic competition day for Psychology tomorrow. In Lander, SC. Which is 3ish hours away, which means I will be in front of the main psych building at 6 AM. I don't even want to think about having to set my alarm to a time that starts with 5. Unless its a nap alarm- but even then I would set it to right before 6 just so I could wake up to eat dinner.
• I chaperoned for the Jr High Rally trip on Saturday. Four total hours on a bus, 30 kids, and a 20 degree drop in temperature. But I did get a recommendation letter out of it. And was also mistaken for an eighth grader...
• I am AWESOME and I need to remember that.

what? like it's hard?

I am in the process of applying for a pretty important scholarship. It's a nationally competitive award, and every time I remind myself of this, I mentally crunch the numbers and immediately get discouraged. I've barely wet my feet in this ordeal and I am already planning escape routes. Is it too late to back out? Can't I just apply to a bunch of other little scholarships? I really don't have what they want for this thing. Why waste the energy worrying over it?

Today, I took a shower in the middle of the day. Partly because I was gross (we had our Call Center supervisor meeting outside today, and let me tell you, late October does not translate to cool - or even comfortable- weather) but also because I just needed to think without being tempted to fade into homework or surf the web. And I came to what I like to think of as an "Elle Woods revelation."

Instead of finding another excuse not to do something just because it might stress me out, or because I might not get the money, I'm going to do it to prove that I am a powerful woman and I'm not going to be controlled by anxiety.

In order for this to work, I have developed some guidelines for my success; things that will give me peace of mind while allowing me to accomplish this task with minimal emotional disturbance:

• I aim to complete the nearest approximation of every requirement. What is (or what was) really keeping me down is thinking that I am not the perfect candidate for this award. If it asks for three recommendations and I have two great letters lined up but one so-so, I will not worry about it. I will fill out the application to the best of my ability and allow the committees to sort it out from there. 
• I will make a daily list of accomplishments, not just for progress on the scholarship, but for my day in general.  I came out of my initial meeting with my adviser feeling like I don't do enough, like I don't do enough volunteer work, or have enough "true" leadership roles, or that most of the stuff I do do isn't important. To combat this, I have already started my daily affirmations AND I made a list of the activities I take part in just for this year and it is several pages long. I feel better already.

I have also decided to take things step by step. To-do lists aren't going to work for this. A daily reminder of ALL the things that need to get done only serves to compound my stress. It's like instead of the header reading "To-Do" it says "Here is a list of things you should feel bad for not doing right. now."

1. Step One: remind myself why I am awesome, why I deserve this scholarship, and why I should absolutely never feel like I don't do enough. (updated resume, made a list of activities, organizations, leadership roles, and relevant work experiences- check)
2. Step Two: Set realistic, non-demanding goals that may be implemented one step at a time.
3. Step Three: read example responses to see what they are looking for/what works.
4. Step Four: ...haven't gotten this far. Just thinking a step or two ahead. Like a carpenter. Who builds stairs. 

In the meantime, I will also be reading the NYT. Today I learned about a rapping video of an Obama impersonator, so I'm gonna go check that out. Peace.

d'you mind if I call you NYT?

Alright. I have a new project. It's actually more like a homework assignment, but I'm calling it a project so it doesn't sound so... mandatory.

I am going to read the New York Times. Everyday.

This may not  seem like a huge deal to you, or my mother, or Melanie Griffith in Working Girl, but it is something I am definitely going to have to work at. Apparently the USA Today is not an appropriate periodical for someone applying to be a Truman Scholar. That's right, in order to apply for this scholarship (30,000 big ones for grad school and a requirement to work in the "public sector") I need to regularly read a "good" national newspaper and "a thoughtful periodical."

Apparently, occasionally doing the USA Today crossword and Sudoku puzzle does not count as "reading" nor does the USA Today count as "a good national newspaper." I already knew it was the joke of the newspaper world, having learned in my communications class that it was made for the typical subway commuter: quick and easy stories and lots of bright colors. Heck, it doesn't even come out on the weekends.

So starting yesterday, I am reading the NYT. Can I call it that?   ...too late.

Now for the thoughtful periodical... I'm guessing Entertainment Weekly won't exactly impress the review board. Drat. Why can't they just like me for me??

treat?

Ten days.

I need Halloween costume ideas.

RLS: the fruit of the sea

"Anyway, like I was sayin’, shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sautee it. Dey’s uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That- that’s about it."   -Bubba

Some friends came to visit me this weekend! Because they love me. And well, because they love Charleston.

On the to-do list for Saturday:

1. Farmer's market in Marion Square (to get delicious tiny powdered-sugar donuts and to enjoy the state-fair atmosphere of jump houses and many babies and dogs) 
2. Aimlessly stroll around the city, inputting historical tidbits that I learned by walking next to the slow-moving carriage tours
3. Japanese horror movies! Hosted by the C of C Japanese Club. Which is different from the Anime Club. Different. They were very adamant.
4. Dinner at Hominy Grill

So. Hominy Grill. You may have heard of it. You've definitely heard of it if you live in Charleston. Or if you are a die hard foodie. Or if you watch or read Anthony Bourdain (if you don't you should).

From reading Anthony Bourdain, watching No Reservations, and living in Charleston, I have ascertained that Hominy Grill is delicious in many respects, but famous- maybe world renowned- for its shrimp and grits. The name "hominy" means grits. Heck, grits are on the sign! For years I have been meaning to eat at this restaurant, but never made the time to. A few weeks before they came, Stephen texted me with one request for the Charleston trip: Hominy Grill.

Saturday night- of course we go. It's a great place for brunch, but we were really hungry and ready for some famous food. Also, there was the slight possibility that it would be easier to get into around dinner time.

6:32 PM- I call ahead to ask the waitress about the wait time. The restaurant is several blocks away and in a direction I normally don't like to walk after dark. She says there are tables, but we should probably make a reservation. "OK, can we have a table for 7 o'clock? For four," I ask- CaraBeth is coming with us. "Our next opening is at 8," she says. Eight. I look around at Kala and Stephen and CaraBeth and mouth "eight?" But no one gives me a firm yes or no, so I freak out and say thanks and hang up the phone.

We decide to walk over and hope they can fit us in. We arrive around 7, which would have been perfect if they had had a table waiting. No such luck. We find the hostess and put our names down for eight.

In the intervening time, CaraBeth needs a drink because she hasn't been feeling well (since she ate a package of cookie dough the night before). We wander around, finding coffee houses that close the minute we walk to the door, a mysterious "Tent Association" building that is crumbling to pieces, and end up eating an appetizer at O'Malley's.

FINALLY, we get back to Hominy. It's starting to get cold at night, and we are tired of walking and shivering. The hostess leads us in the cozy, warm, homey kitchen-like restaurant...and then out the door onto the patio. Of course, it's an adorable patio with lanterns and twinkle lights, but still.

All I can think about is how good the shrimp and grits are going to feel: warm, hearty, delicious. I will have shared a meal, across the time/space continuum, with Anthony Bourdain.  

Our waiter comes out, gives us water, asks if we'd like anything else to drink. Stephen gets a decaf coffee. The rest of us mumble something like "water's good..." "mm fine..."

"Great!" he says, "I just wanna let you know about our specials tonight, they're on the wall behind you" (he points) "and I do have some bad news- we're out of shrimp tonight!"

My jaw. hits. the table.

No shrimp? No shrimp and grits? No SHRIMP? What would Bubba have to say about this? I have been building this meal up in my mind for weeks. And no shrimp. Thanks for taking our drink orders first.
"You're totally welcome to leave and come back tomorrow," he continues. "Honestly, I've worked here four years and this has never happened before." I'll bet. I'll bet you're lying.

I already don't like this guy.

I order some rice casserole that usually has some shrimp in it, and we negotiate the changes: instead of shrimp, how about chicken? Fantastic. I am still disappointed.

When he brings out our food, he hands everyone their dishes and as he makes his way to me says "Guess what, it's your lucky night, we found FOUR shrimp for your meal! You got the last ones!"  Oh, it's only every girl's dream to eat the last four shrimp! Especially with the knowledge that they were probably fished out of someone else's unfinished entree or scraped out from under the fridge. Goodie.*

All in all, the food was pretty good, Kala and Stephen's visit went great, and the Japanese movie we watched was expectedly and understandably grotesque and confusing. So, a good weekend for sure.


*This is not meant as a negative review of Hominy Grill, and I fully intend to go back and try again someday. But maybe next time I'll try for brunch.