Friday, December 10, 2010

this is a downer

I don't know what to say, exactly. All I know is that full sentences keep popping into my head so I better start writing some down.

My grandmother died yesterday. Cher Me. Writing it down still doesn't make it seem true, like I thought it would. Damn.

Nothing I write seems good enough to convey what I am feeling right now, so I'll just do my best.
Honestly, I never thought this could happen. She was so strong willed and feisty and...Cher Me. Words can not describe. Why are words failing me now?
Last night all I could think about were things to write about her, and I let them get away. I was too tired to get a pen and paper and I was confident the words would come back to me now but it's not happening.

I just need to say things.
I am feeling overwhelmed with grief and happiness and guilt and stress and a million other little dumb feelings.

Grief because she's gone, and I'll never hear her voice again, telling me a long-winded story I don't want to hear. Grief in knowing I will never hear a story again. And there are still so many things I wanted to know! I can still see every detail of her whole person. Her face, her eyes, her hair. I can smell her. Grief from hearing my father's voice tell me the news, which plays on repeat in my brain.  The sadness in his voice rips me to pieces. I am in pieces. Grief because it's Christmas, and I always think of her at Christmas.

Happiness because after suffering, there was peace. And rest.  Happiness because of all the years I did spend with her.

But right now, what stabs me in the heart is guilt, and it hurts so much.  She has been in and out of the hospital for a few months, and every time I called home I would ask about her, and my dad would say "Oh, she's doing alright. You should give her a call. She'd love to hear from you!" and I know she would have. But I never called. I probably called her once all semester. I was supposed to talk to her about seeing the Harry Potter movie and I never did. And now I can't.
Guilt because of all the times in my life I was annoyed with her. Guilt because most of the stories I tell about my grandmother are at her expense. Guilt because I never became a ballerina like she wanted. It stabs and stabs and stabs.

Stress because it is finals week. So all I can think about is how this affects me. Which throws in more guilt.

I need prayers and good thoughts. For Cher Me.
I have no more words right now.


  1. I love you honey, you were her shining star you know. They didn't come better than her first granddaughter... "the gifted one".

  2. I'm so sorry, Claire. My thoughts go out to you and your family. I hope that time with them this Christmas can help ease some of the pain, and I hope you know that your grandmother's legacy lives on in your writing and the stories you shared. We could tell from the way you talked about her that she was special and such an interesting woman.
    It's a blessing that you can still remember her clearly, even if words can't express that.
    Remember those happy memories and try to get through finals week knowing that even if you aren't a ballerina, you turned out to be a wonderful person that any grandmother would be proud of.