Wednesday, May 12, 2010

things grown-ups do

Since enrolling in college, I have found that I am expected to act like an adult and contribute to society. These new expectations can be exciting, but often I find I am not exactly ready to do all the things grown-ups do. For example, I don't exactly enjoy:
  • filling out tax forms- this should be easy, but I feel like whoever designed the W4 or W2 made it complicated on purpose, probably out of fear of job security. He/she wanted to make it look like you can't just hire anyone to design a tax form, even though I'm pretty sure you can.
  • paying taxes.
  • "having it all together"- I find that as I get older, I am more responsible for myself, which usually means I have to be better at making up excuses for why I didn't do something I was supposed to, like completing my time sheets.
  • being responsible for current affairs- I would be lying if I told you I got my news from sources other than Comedy Central or SNL's Weekend Update. Not only do certain adults shame me for not being up to the minute, there are a fair number of hipsters at school who enjoy feeling superior because they catch CNN as they are rolling up their blue jeans every morning.
  • going to the doctor alone- a doctor's office is twice as scary when you are alone. This is a fact. This also brings me to my story:
Today, I was drug tested for the first time EVER! Exciting, right? No.

It all started when I woke up this morning, and participated in my daily routine: pee, wash face, brush teeth, contacts. Not very complicated. However, I realized a little too late that I should have saved my urine for the cup at the clinic. Crap.
I decided to stop by Dunkin Donuts to get an iced coffee, accessing the knowledge stored away from volleyball camp that caffeine is a diuretic, and would therefore fill my bladder and render it ready for bursting. I bought the drink (and some donuts, because, really how could I go to DD and pass up donuts? it's practically a sin) and meandered over to the used book store. I sold a few books, bought a Bill Bryson and a book-club read, and continued to gulp down my beverage as heartily as I could without procuring a brain freeze. I sat in my car, rolled the windows down, and cracked open the book. I waited patiently for the coffee to settle into my bladder and waited for the alarm-bells to start. Except, after chugging at least half of it, waiting patiently is not a valid option.
My attention started to wander, my hands started shaking, and I realized quickly, that in my attempt to pass a drug test I may have OD'd on caffeine. Smart, Claire. My gaze darted around like a squirrel and my anxiety-prone mind began to worry that I would show up at the clinic twitching and they would check the "Deranged! NOT suggested for hire" box as soon as I walked in.
They didn't of course. I passed my drug test, and actually had a bit too much :ahem: material for the plastic cup. Now I just have to wait for my hands to stop shaking. It's been three hours. How much longer could it take?


  1. I'm slightly concerned that you OD'd on only ONE coffee drink.

  2. Dunkin Donuts is ridiculously strong coffee!

  3. "Lol" at the hipsters rolling up their jeans part. Have you seen this video? Cracks me up. Urine tests are the most stressful thing I have ever done, including western civ finals and transferring colleges. So much pressure. Which Bill Bryson book did you get? I love him, he's so funny. I've read In a Sunburnt Country and A Walk in the Woods. Good stuff.