Thursday, July 1, 2010

ah, family.

Someone my mother knows on FB posted an article like this, claiming that Obama hates the British because his grandfather was tortured by British soldiers during a rebellion in Kenya. Honestly, if Obama is harboring any ill feeling toward Great Britain, it might be because of this:

Anyway, the article got me to thinking. I could never be president.

If they pull out Obama's grandfather and say that because his grandfather was tortured by the British he now hates GB, then I can only laugh at what the media could dig up about my family.

So I'm gonna come clean about it in public, right now. Just so the media won't make me look like I was hiding it later on my campaign trail.

MY great-grandfather was tortured by the British.As a member of the early IRA, he was interrogated and water-boarded (and a whole lot more unspeakable things), then kicked out of Ireland and sent to Australia. He stayed there for a few years, all the while writing letters to my great-grandmother pleading with her to come meet him in Australia. But she refused because the entire country was full of criminals. So they decided to meet in America. It's kind of a romantic story, actually.
She took a boat from Cork to New York, and he came through California. His brother was already in the states working as a policeman, and got him into the country in what my grandfather assures me was a completely legal and legitimate way. He traveled across the country to her and on his way discovered the opportunities available in the Midwest. The two married and settled in Detroit, where they raised my grandfather, and where he met my grandmother.

My dad's side of the family might be a bit more scandalous. I can't even imagine the number of things someone could dig up if they were to actually pay for the genealogy services online. Artists, architects, doctors and lawyers, sure. But also a distant relative that apparently tried to commit suicide by laying behind the wheels of the family car as his wife backed out of a parking space. Jokingly referred to as "Cousin Speedbump" by my Uncle Larry. And she was murdered by her husband with a hammer.
We are also tied to a haunted house in New Orleans (a city I recently discovered the DeBuys family has lived in since before the Louisiana Purchase) and a woman who cruelly mistreated her slaves named Madame LaLaurie. A woman my paternal grandmother told me I resemble very closely. Great.I don't see it. But what a legacy, eh? I think I'll name my first daughter Delphine in her honor. If you want to hear a disturbing story, just visit this website:

And those relatives are just the ones I know about. If years from now I ever decided to run for office (which I won't because let's face it, I could not handle the pressure), I shudder to think what else could be found out about my wonderful family.

Maybe next time I'll focus on the cool relatives, like a dueler way back when:

"The DeBuys-Alpuente duel was also fought with double-barreled shotguns with single balls. DeBuys was saved by a Hollywood ending in which the ball hit a twenty-dollar gold piece in his waistcoat. Feeling lucky, he crossed swords with Aristide Gerard later that afternoon and received fourteen wounds. A born duelist, DeBuys is known to have fought twenty-four duels."
awesome, right?

EDIT: If you tried to comment and it didn't show up, I did NOT delete it. I gotta fix some settings I guess.


  1. WOAH, your family is awesome. I need to find something interesting about my family. Your great-grandparents' story is so adorable.

  2. There is another mystery involving a distant relative...your maternal great great uncle was shot by his wife -- she never went to jail. No one is sure why....

    Just remember sweetie, most of the awful stories are not linked to your gene pool. So the lesson is....

    Choose your spouse wisely.